Dear Nick,

I’ve been through so many emotions the past three days. Grief that you are sick. Anger that I haven’t been able to get through to you or your parents. Embarrassment at the thought that maybe I’m bothering you and you don’t want to talk to me. Selfishness for thinking that it’s about me, when really you are so sick. Sadness that I just don’t know what to do anymore. Do I keep calling and leaving the silly messages that make you laugh? I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m a fixer. That’s what I do—I teach deaf kids to listen! But I can’t fix my best friend. I can’t make you better. I don’t know what else to do, so I call. God, I miss you. Tell me what to do, Nick. Tell me what you need from me. Whatever you need, it’s done. Need me to drop everything and fly out there? You bet. Want me to give you bone marrow or blood? You got it. Shave my head when you loose your hair? Done. Whatever you need, I will do it. Anything.

Today I worked a long shift, so I had a nice little lunch break during the first summer thunderstorm. I ate my dinner, sitting on a bench under a porch-like awning behind the store, and it dawned on me—for someone who tries to live without regrets, I messed up big time. I never told you, face to face, how much I care about you. I never told you in person, “Nick, I love you. You are my best friend.” Sure, we talked about it over the phone, but I never really understood when you tried to bring it up. And we talked about our friendship and how we seem to have this unique connection, but we never took it to the next step. We stood in my doorway once, with you talking in circles about bad timing and how things should have been different, but I didn’t get it then. God, I wish I could go back and slap myself! “Holly, do something!” I’d say. But we can’t live in regrets; we can only focus on the future, and the now, and living every moment in a way that makes it matter in the long run.

I’m having a hard time, Nick. I’m falling into bad eating habits again. I’m really worried. I need my best friend now more than ever. This sucks. I’m tired of bloodshot eyes from crying too much.

Love,
Holly