Dear Nick,

Today is one of those days when it just hurts to breathe.

Friday the 8th was the one year anniversary of the last time I held you in my arms. I dropped you and your dad off at the airport, and I watched you walk into the terminal until I couldn't see you through the glare of the glass sliding doors.

I miss everything about you. Just when I think I've reached a point of acceptance, wham, it hits me again; everything I lost, all the dreams disappeared.

I went back to St. Louis the first weekend in May. I cried as the plane circled the CWE and I saw the school, the hospital, our building. I went to our old building, to our old bar, the park you loved. Every time I turned around, I expected you to be there, smiling, laughing, acting silly, waiting for me to run into your arms.

This time last year was so painful, so completely, utterly, horribly unbareable. Yet I'd go back to then again in a heartbeat, to when you were still here, when I could still hear your voice. And I'd do things different. I'd fly to VA to be with you. I'd climb into bed with you, hold you, cook for your family, cry with your mom. I'd do these things in person, instead of from a distance. I'd be there. I'd try to steal the cancer, make it take me instead. Not you. Oh Nick, not you. Of all the horrible people out there, people who do terrible things, and yet you, the best person I know, had to fall so ill.

God knew you were good. He wanted you for His own.

May 8th- the last time I huged you
May 10- the day I told you I loved you and you said that you loved me, too
July 22- the last time I heard your voice
August 2- the day Nick passed away
August 5-7- the days that broke me

Every day, every minute, and with every breath, I miss you and think about you.

Love,
Holly

blahs

Hi Nick,

I'm dating a guy who has issues, more issues than I can deal with. But I like him, and I know he's a great guy, so I'm trying.

I'm broke, living paycheck to paycheck.

Buddy died.

I'm bingeing and purging again. I hate it. I feel so fat, but I can't stop eating. 

I'm not in a good spot. I'm trying, but it's hard. I'm trying to get back into an exercise routine and establish good eating habits, like only eating stuff I bring to work, and nothing in the teacher's lounge.

But Nick, I'm lost. I'm miserable. I miss you. I need you.

love,

Holly

Hi Nick,

I haven't written lately, mostly because I don't know what to say. Actually, that's a lie. I have lots of things to say. You are missed. You are loved. The world is a different place without you.

Sometimes I feel you around me; I catch a whiff of a smell that reminds me of you, or I see an argyle sweater (ah! argyle!) like the one you wore that night back in April, that night we spent hours upon hours talking about life's problems and blessings. Or I hear that song we would turn on so loud and dance to, acting like little children as we spun around your living room.

But there are the things I miss that I can't remember as well: your three-syllable laugh, the mischievous sparkle in your eyes, the way you held me so tight at the airport when we said goodbye for the last time, the exact phrase when you told me that of course you would call me as soon as you landed and I should know you were going to because when you hugged me you inhaled the scent of my hair. And that's when I knew you loved me. And that's when I knew that I loved you, too.

I miss you so much, Nick. My heart hurts.

love,
Holly

two steps forward, one step back

25. That's the number of first dates I've been on since I broke up with Chris.

74 days since Nick died. So many hours of crying, of pleeding with God, of getting so damn mad that I can't see straight.

I feel so torn. I love dating; I spent almost 5 years with a man who treated me like garbage. It's liberating to date.

But I miss Nick so much, each date feels like I'm forgetting him.

His mom is proud of me. She wants me to be happy, to find someone that loves me and deserves my love in return.

I want Nick back. We never had our chance. And I swear! Just when I htink things are going well, when I'm feeling happy and like I've accepted his death, I hear a song or see something or get a call from his mom. I suppose to can use it to push myself forward to live the best life I can live, but it's so hard.

Nick, I miss you. I love you. You were the best there ever was, and the best that ever will be.


love,
Holly

Dear Nick,

Your mom texted me last Friday at 2 am. I called her, and we talked for almost two hours. This is a regular occurrence. Your mom needs me, I need her. Today one of her friends called and left me a message about how much your mom loves me, how I’m so special to her, how she says I should be her daughter-in-law.

I’ve been dating lots of guys, but they don’t even come close to you. I miss you so damn much. I feel so cheated. You and me, we were perfect. It’s not fair.

I love you so much.

Love,
Holly

the first day is over!

Hi Nick,

I had this fantasy of getting flowers on the first day of school. I'd be standing at the front of the room, talking with my students about themes in a novel or great scientific breakthroughs, and someone would come in and announce that there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers with my name on it. Part of the fantasy is that it would come from someone who completely adored me.

Well, my fantasy came true today. My parents sent flowers, but not to me- they addressed them to the whole school! And while it's true that my parents are lovely, thoughtful people, I can't help but feel that you had a role in this.

I wish you were here to meet my students and see the classroom. You'd love it.

Love,
Holly

Dear Nick,

I miss you so much. Today I met my students and their parents. I think it’s going to be a great group. I felt your presence with me and supporting me and enveloping me. I just felt so good all day, like my life was moving forward in a positive direction; it just felt so right. Don’t get me wrong, I was scared out of my mind. But I had (and have) full faith that everything will come together.

I felt you so strongly. When my coworker from the toystore came in with her husband and daughter, I wanted to grab your picture off my desk. “This is him!” I wanted to say. “This is my Tony!” Actually, I wanted to show it to everyone who walked in the door. I wanted them to see your goofy smile, to know that our class has a guardian angel.

The minute I left the school, I felt sad again. I felt alone and empty.

I came home and quickly fell asleep. Kat, the 3rd grade teacher and my closest friend here, called me to see if I wanted to get some dinner. I was confused and disoriented, thinking that it was Tuesday already and that I was late for school! On the drive there, I talked to both Lin and Emily. We caught up on life and love and work. And then Kat and I had a light dinner while hashing out the day and our lives. God, it’s good to have such great friends. I have friends in Arizona, Washington, St. Louis, Ohio, Boston, NYC, Rhode Island, and heaven.

I know it goes without saying, but watch over me tomorrow, okay? I’m really nervous. And I miss you so much.


Love,
Holly