two steps forward, one step back

25. That's the number of first dates I've been on since I broke up with Chris.

74 days since Nick died. So many hours of crying, of pleeding with God, of getting so damn mad that I can't see straight.

I feel so torn. I love dating; I spent almost 5 years with a man who treated me like garbage. It's liberating to date.

But I miss Nick so much, each date feels like I'm forgetting him.

His mom is proud of me. She wants me to be happy, to find someone that loves me and deserves my love in return.

I want Nick back. We never had our chance. And I swear! Just when I htink things are going well, when I'm feeling happy and like I've accepted his death, I hear a song or see something or get a call from his mom. I suppose to can use it to push myself forward to live the best life I can live, but it's so hard.

Nick, I miss you. I love you. You were the best there ever was, and the best that ever will be.


love,
Holly