Dear Nick,
Today I said goodbye to Ian. He’s the cute kid I sent you a text picture of once, maybe twice. He’s the sweetest, most fun three year old I know. I miss him already.
I hate packing. I don’t want to move. I’m sad that I won’t be in the same building as you any more. I won’t be here next time you come back. The sadness makes my arms and legs hurt.
You started new treatment today. I hope you’re handling it well. I wish I was there. I wish I were moving there instead of Texas. I want to call you. I want you to tell me that it’s okay that I’m sad, that everything will work out, and we’ll see each other soon. But I don’t know how you’re holding up, and I don’t want to bother you. I would give anything to be sitting on your couch next to you, talking late into the night.
Love,
Holly
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
packing to move
Dear Nick,
I’m tired of packing. I don’t want to move. I can’t stand the thought of not being here when you come back.
Love,
Holly
I’m tired of packing. I don’t want to move. I can’t stand the thought of not being here when you come back.
Love,
Holly
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
botanical garden picture
Dear Nick,
This is Kelsey, Emily and I at the botanical garden. I just got my film developed today so I thought I'd post a picture. Aren't we cute?
Love,
Holly
This is Kelsey, Emily and I at the botanical garden. I just got my film developed today so I thought I'd post a picture. Aren't we cute?
Love,
Holly
dollar burger night
Dear Nick,
You start a new treatment tomorrow, so I’ve tried desperately to get a hold of you all day. Seriously. I think I’ve called you no less than seven times. You called me back once, but I was at dollar burger, and you didn’t leave a message. Always leave messages, k? I save them and go back to listen to them when it’s been a while since we’ve talked, and I cherish hearing your voice, your laugh, and the silly things you say.
I need to talk to you today because after you start your new treatment, you may not feel up for talking. You may be really sick. And I need to talk to you about scheduling my trip to see you before the prices get too high. You said you want to hang out, and I do too. I’ll even bring a pie, if you’d like.
Today was my last dollar burger day with the crew. I know you don’t like dollar burger day or that particular bar, but it’s the one day a week I know that our group from the building has scheduled time to just hang out. I like having that chill time built into the schedule, and I’m going to miss this great group of friends. Before leaving, I said bye to Brendan, who claimed he didn’t know I was moving next weekend. I’m sure I told him; you know how he is. Lauren and another girl from school were there too. And then the usual crew: Emily, Caitlin, James, TJ, and Kelsey.
After burgers we went back to Kelsey’s place to play Wii. Well, TJ and I did, and Kate came over too. (Do you know Kate? She lives on the 5th floor and has a dog named Jersey.) I had never played Wii before, and I really liked it! Secretly, I was hoping I wouldn’t. I suck at things that require hand-eye coordination, but this? I think it’s something I could learn. Also, I was thinking it might be good for you, too, to work on coordination and movement. If we were still living in the same city, we could share one ☺
Kelsey has a cat, and my allergies are driving me nuts, so I’m going to take an antihistamine, jump in the shower, and get to bed.
Call me, k? I miss you.
Love,
Holly
You start a new treatment tomorrow, so I’ve tried desperately to get a hold of you all day. Seriously. I think I’ve called you no less than seven times. You called me back once, but I was at dollar burger, and you didn’t leave a message. Always leave messages, k? I save them and go back to listen to them when it’s been a while since we’ve talked, and I cherish hearing your voice, your laugh, and the silly things you say.
I need to talk to you today because after you start your new treatment, you may not feel up for talking. You may be really sick. And I need to talk to you about scheduling my trip to see you before the prices get too high. You said you want to hang out, and I do too. I’ll even bring a pie, if you’d like.
Today was my last dollar burger day with the crew. I know you don’t like dollar burger day or that particular bar, but it’s the one day a week I know that our group from the building has scheduled time to just hang out. I like having that chill time built into the schedule, and I’m going to miss this great group of friends. Before leaving, I said bye to Brendan, who claimed he didn’t know I was moving next weekend. I’m sure I told him; you know how he is. Lauren and another girl from school were there too. And then the usual crew: Emily, Caitlin, James, TJ, and Kelsey.
After burgers we went back to Kelsey’s place to play Wii. Well, TJ and I did, and Kate came over too. (Do you know Kate? She lives on the 5th floor and has a dog named Jersey.) I had never played Wii before, and I really liked it! Secretly, I was hoping I wouldn’t. I suck at things that require hand-eye coordination, but this? I think it’s something I could learn. Also, I was thinking it might be good for you, too, to work on coordination and movement. If we were still living in the same city, we could share one ☺
Kelsey has a cat, and my allergies are driving me nuts, so I’m going to take an antihistamine, jump in the shower, and get to bed.
Call me, k? I miss you.
Love,
Holly
Monday, May 26, 2008
hanging out
Dear Nick,
Right now is one of those times I really miss you. If you were still in town, I’d knock on your door. You’d let me in, and I’d immediately go to your couch. It would be cold in your apartment, so you’d throw that grey fleece blanket on me. You’d offer a drink, maybe even ice cream. Maybe I brought my pink water bottle, but maybe I didn’t, so you’d get me a glass of water. Then you’d sit next to me on the couch, restless for a while, trying to get comfortable, the whole time asking me what I want to watch. We’d decide on a movie, or an SNL episode (the one with Feist and Brian Williams being a favorite), or an animated television show. I’d sit somewhat sideways, with my toes tucked into the crack of the sofa cushions, the tops of my feet against your hip and the side of your thigh. If I make a comment during the show, you stop the program, and have me repeat what I said before you respond. Sometimes I have to repeat myself again. Then you rewind the show to where we were before I started talking. Sometimes you look over at me. Sometimes I steal a glance at you. I love your loud laugh. You look at me when I giggle. Your arm is on the back of the couch, and you lean slightly toward me. Sometimes I start to fall asleep, but your laugh wakes me up, and I feel happy. I’m always happy when we’re together.
When it’s time to go home, you walk me to your door, give me a huge hug, and we kiss each other’s cheeks. You inhale my hair, and I pretend not to notice, but secretly, I love that. I also love your prickly cheek stubble against my cheek. It makes me feel close to you.
Love,
Holly
Right now is one of those times I really miss you. If you were still in town, I’d knock on your door. You’d let me in, and I’d immediately go to your couch. It would be cold in your apartment, so you’d throw that grey fleece blanket on me. You’d offer a drink, maybe even ice cream. Maybe I brought my pink water bottle, but maybe I didn’t, so you’d get me a glass of water. Then you’d sit next to me on the couch, restless for a while, trying to get comfortable, the whole time asking me what I want to watch. We’d decide on a movie, or an SNL episode (the one with Feist and Brian Williams being a favorite), or an animated television show. I’d sit somewhat sideways, with my toes tucked into the crack of the sofa cushions, the tops of my feet against your hip and the side of your thigh. If I make a comment during the show, you stop the program, and have me repeat what I said before you respond. Sometimes I have to repeat myself again. Then you rewind the show to where we were before I started talking. Sometimes you look over at me. Sometimes I steal a glance at you. I love your loud laugh. You look at me when I giggle. Your arm is on the back of the couch, and you lean slightly toward me. Sometimes I start to fall asleep, but your laugh wakes me up, and I feel happy. I’m always happy when we’re together.
When it’s time to go home, you walk me to your door, give me a huge hug, and we kiss each other’s cheeks. You inhale my hair, and I pretend not to notice, but secretly, I love that. I also love your prickly cheek stubble against my cheek. It makes me feel close to you.
Love,
Holly
Memorial Day
Dear Nick,
Today is Memorial Day, but since I'm not doing much these days, it's just another Monday for me. Emily, Kelsey and I had planned to go to the art museum. You told me it was impressive, and I've been meaning to go there for the past year or so. I don't think you know Kelsey; she lives in the building and is moving into my place once I'm out.
Today is Memorial Day, but since I'm not doing much these days, it's just another Monday for me. Emily, Kelsey and I had planned to go to the art museum. You told me it was impressive, and I've been meaning to go there for the past year or so. I don't think you know Kelsey; she lives in the building and is moving into my place once I'm out.
Anyway, we left around 1:30 for the museum, but couldn't find any parking once we got there. Seriously. We drove around for at least 30 minutes trying to find a spot. We gave up and went to the botanical garden instead. The powers-that-be predicted rain for the day, so we were hesitant, but it turned out to be lovely. The current exhibit is by Niki de Saint Phalle, whose large sculptures are covered in bright, reflective mosaics. This is one of my favorites. It's called "Nana on Dolphin;" isn't it beautiful? I love the colors.
Love,
Holly
Love,
Holly
rice pudding
Dear Nick,
I made rice pudding today from scratch. I made up the recipe as I went. Do you like rice pudding? I'm not sure, but I do know you'll eat anything I put in front of you, so I bet you'd like it.
Love,
Holly
I made rice pudding today from scratch. I made up the recipe as I went. Do you like rice pudding? I'm not sure, but I do know you'll eat anything I put in front of you, so I bet you'd like it.
Love,
Holly
Saturday, May 24, 2008
book on the brain
Dear Nick,
Last week, I was early for a meeting with my therapist so I stopped at a bookstore close by. I walked by a display of Dr. Jill Taylor's book, My Stroke of Insight, and was initially drawn to it because of the stained glass brain on the cover. But after reading the inside flap, I decided it was too close to home. See, the reason for seeing my therapist that day was to talk about feelings of grief and sadness because I just feel so lost and usless when it comes to being a friend to you, my dearest Nick.
Walking to the cashier to pay for another book, I impulsively picked up the book anyway. It sat in my bag for three days before I pulled it out and started reading. Many of the experiences she writes of—lack of physical boundaries, language and speech issues, changes in perception and priorities—are all things that you tell me are happening to you, or things I see happening. Reading this book has helped me to understand a bit more what it's like to have one's brain not cooperating.
Love,
Holly
Last week, I was early for a meeting with my therapist so I stopped at a bookstore close by. I walked by a display of Dr. Jill Taylor's book, My Stroke of Insight, and was initially drawn to it because of the stained glass brain on the cover. But after reading the inside flap, I decided it was too close to home. See, the reason for seeing my therapist that day was to talk about feelings of grief and sadness because I just feel so lost and usless when it comes to being a friend to you, my dearest Nick.
Walking to the cashier to pay for another book, I impulsively picked up the book anyway. It sat in my bag for three days before I pulled it out and started reading. Many of the experiences she writes of—lack of physical boundaries, language and speech issues, changes in perception and priorities—are all things that you tell me are happening to you, or things I see happening. Reading this book has helped me to understand a bit more what it's like to have one's brain not cooperating.
Love,
Holly
movie and phone conversation
Dear Nick,
Tonight TJ, Kelsey and I went to see Twisted: A Balloonamentary. It's the sort of thing I think you'd get a kick out of.
I had called and texted you before the movie, and you called me during it. The message was hard to understand, mostly because you mumble :) I called you afterward, and you were watching a movie with your parents. You said you were going to go to bed soon and that you'd call me the next day. You probably won't; I've come to accept that it's not because you don't not want to talk to me, or that you forget, but that your brain just doesn't make the connection. I find it endearing.
Love,
Holly
Tonight TJ, Kelsey and I went to see Twisted: A Balloonamentary. It's the sort of thing I think you'd get a kick out of.
I had called and texted you before the movie, and you called me during it. The message was hard to understand, mostly because you mumble :) I called you afterward, and you were watching a movie with your parents. You said you were going to go to bed soon and that you'd call me the next day. You probably won't; I've come to accept that it's not because you don't not want to talk to me, or that you forget, but that your brain just doesn't make the connection. I find it endearing.
Love,
Holly
Friday, May 23, 2008
casino night with Lauren
Dear Nick,
Do you remember my friend Lauren? She works at that bar you don't like, and you asked for her phone number right before you got sick. Anyway, she and I went out tonight. We talked about you a bit; she always asks how you are doing.
Lauren and I could not come up with anything to do, so we went to the casino you and I went to last February. We were clueless, even more cluess than I was when we went. At least then I had you to tell me what the hell I was doing. This time, we walked around a bit before trying to figure out the slot machines. There was all this new vocabulary and all these weird rules, and we couldn't even figure out how to put money in the damn thing! We played one round of black jack, which was a complete waste of $10 that could have bought many a diet coke or red bull.
Lauren and I had a good time, but it made me miss you even more. Get better, k?
love,
Holly
Do you remember my friend Lauren? She works at that bar you don't like, and you asked for her phone number right before you got sick. Anyway, she and I went out tonight. We talked about you a bit; she always asks how you are doing.
Lauren and I could not come up with anything to do, so we went to the casino you and I went to last February. We were clueless, even more cluess than I was when we went. At least then I had you to tell me what the hell I was doing. This time, we walked around a bit before trying to figure out the slot machines. There was all this new vocabulary and all these weird rules, and we couldn't even figure out how to put money in the damn thing! We played one round of black jack, which was a complete waste of $10 that could have bought many a diet coke or red bull.
Lauren and I had a good time, but it made me miss you even more. Get better, k?
love,
Holly
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