the first day is over!

Hi Nick,

I had this fantasy of getting flowers on the first day of school. I'd be standing at the front of the room, talking with my students about themes in a novel or great scientific breakthroughs, and someone would come in and announce that there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers with my name on it. Part of the fantasy is that it would come from someone who completely adored me.

Well, my fantasy came true today. My parents sent flowers, but not to me- they addressed them to the whole school! And while it's true that my parents are lovely, thoughtful people, I can't help but feel that you had a role in this.

I wish you were here to meet my students and see the classroom. You'd love it.

Love,
Holly

Dear Nick,

I miss you so much. Today I met my students and their parents. I think it’s going to be a great group. I felt your presence with me and supporting me and enveloping me. I just felt so good all day, like my life was moving forward in a positive direction; it just felt so right. Don’t get me wrong, I was scared out of my mind. But I had (and have) full faith that everything will come together.

I felt you so strongly. When my coworker from the toystore came in with her husband and daughter, I wanted to grab your picture off my desk. “This is him!” I wanted to say. “This is my Tony!” Actually, I wanted to show it to everyone who walked in the door. I wanted them to see your goofy smile, to know that our class has a guardian angel.

The minute I left the school, I felt sad again. I felt alone and empty.

I came home and quickly fell asleep. Kat, the 3rd grade teacher and my closest friend here, called me to see if I wanted to get some dinner. I was confused and disoriented, thinking that it was Tuesday already and that I was late for school! On the drive there, I talked to both Lin and Emily. We caught up on life and love and work. And then Kat and I had a light dinner while hashing out the day and our lives. God, it’s good to have such great friends. I have friends in Arizona, Washington, St. Louis, Ohio, Boston, NYC, Rhode Island, and heaven.

I know it goes without saying, but watch over me tomorrow, okay? I’m really nervous. And I miss you so much.


Love,
Holly

my guardian angel

Dear Nick,

I can't stop crying. Not 5 minutes after I clicked published on the last post, my good friend Ryan called to book a trip out here. And while talking to him, your sister called. I switched over, and she was calling to wish me good luck tomorrow on my first day teaching. She said that the love that you and I shared will radiate in the room, and become the bond that connects me to my students. She said that you'd be there, watching over us, helping and guiding and being an angel.

So now I'm sitting here, bawling, amazed at how even after death, you are there for me to pull strings and remind me of what we meant to each other. I really needed you, and you were there.

Love,
Holly

Dearest Nick,

This was the worst week in my life.

I miss you. I feel so cheated. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.


Love,
Holly

Hi Nick,

Today was my first day of teacher training; my first day of being a real grown-up with a real job.

Tomorrow I'll wake up way before the sun rises so I can get to the airport to catch a plane to DC for your memorial service. I hate this so much.

I feel a little nervous about going. There's going to be lots of people there, people who have known you longer than me. And I know that toward the end, I was your best friend, your only true friend (as you put it), but still, I worry that I won't belong. I know your parents and sister want me there, but otherwise, gosh, I just feel like I'm not worthy to be there.

But really, this goes back to doing what is in one's heart, right? Who is to say I'm not worthy to be there? We had a strong bond, we were so close.

I guess a part of me is also jealous that other people had more time with you than I did. I feel cheated.

Love,
Holly

Oh Nick,

I'm not myself. I'm sitting here, at my computer, finishing a bottle of wine. You never knew me to drink. And today I got my hood re-pierced in a spur-of-the-moment act of stupidity and waste of $90. And I didn't eat ANY veggies today, just lots of carbs and fats. And yesterday? Oh damn. Yesterday I went stress shopping and bought a new Kate Spade bag. Shit, yo.

I can't do this. I can't resort back to old habits. I hate this. Oh my God, Nick, make me stop... I don't know how to live without knowing that you are alive...

love,
Drunk Holly

I knew the second I woke up that Nick had passed away. And I was right.

I woke up a little after 6 this morning after a bad dream, something about the dean of the medical school and Nick and getting the phone call that I’d been dreading. I sat straight up, drenched in sweat.

I thought of calling Ruth, but I didn’t want to hear that he had gone. I wanted to think I was wrong. I wanted to think that Nick had slept well through the night.

Good night, sweet prince,/ and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

Nick had the worst seizure yet last night. The ambulance is on its way to take him to hospice.

I've been happy the last few days. I've been keeping busy at school and hanging out with new friends. This brings everything back down to reality. Oh God.