Dear Nick,

Today was a really hard day. I woke up depressed, feeling like a giant chunk of my chest was missing. I managed to get myself into workout clothes and drive to the gym, but once I got there, I just sat in my car, starting into space, for what seemed like hours, but was probably only a minute. I felt like my soul had stopped, that time didn’t have any meaning. I just felt alone and empty.

I remember another time that happened. I had just arrived in the parking lot at the school where I was student teaching, and I was really upset. I don’t remember why. Something to do with Chris, probably. It was also around the time that you were starting to act differently, and I felt intuitively that your cancer was growing again. And there was a third thing, I don’t remember what it was. In any case, that time, I sat in the empty parking lot, staring at the trees in front of me, trees covered with a light powdering of snow that looked so beautiful that I couldn’t believe my feelings were so ugly.

Today was the same. I sat, staring at these beautiful, green trees, gently swaying in the wind, and felt hollow. I was so lonely. So alone. So miserable.

My workout was interrupted, repeatedly, by the trainer who has a crush on me. I just wanted him to go away! I didn’t want my existence acknowledged, I just wanted to feel the joint compression and get the therapeutic effects of lifting and running and really using my muscles! Just leave me alone, I wanted to scream. Don’t you see that I’m not myself??

I got home, undressed to take a shower, and burst into tears. I sat on my bathmat, hugging my knees, tears running down my thighs. I managed to take a shower, dry my aching body, and climb into my bed. I read a little, which calmed me down, but as soon as I finished the book, I felt empty again.

Five months ago, I would have gone to your apartment and things would have been immediately better by just being with you. But that was a lifetime ago, wasn’t it?

The day has gotten somewhat better, although I still feel wounded. I went to the movie store, took Buddy on a walk, and talked to some good friends. I left you a message, too. It’s a cheery message, because I love you.

Love,
Holly